Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
