"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
