Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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