did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
