I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
