Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
