Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
