every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
