Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
