Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
