Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
