I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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