So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
