My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
