I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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