If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
