our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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