i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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