I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
