What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
