Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i barfeds in our rink
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Someone signed my nipple.
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