Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
