I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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