I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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