I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
