He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
