I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize