My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
my liver is dry heaving
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
