she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
