I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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