i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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