dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
