I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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