Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
