This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
