He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
