I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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