If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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