I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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