Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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