K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
