Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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