Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
