I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
