OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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