At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
my being single is dangerous.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
