I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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