I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
