he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
