Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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