Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
did i just pee glitter
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
