I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
