i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
