I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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