There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
