Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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