Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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