just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
