It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i need some magic done to my vagina
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
