Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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