It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
