What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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