Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
