I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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