Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
