god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize