god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You can't motorboat a personality
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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