I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
