Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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